I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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