Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
