Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
