What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
