I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I believe in your delicious
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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