I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
