this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
