I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
