Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
