I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I have aggressive nipples.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
