I wish I could teleport
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
