The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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