so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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