morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize