Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
