Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
