im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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