The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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