My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
