she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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