I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
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