I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
