Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is Oprah even human
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize