She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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