Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
