So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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