So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
