new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
