Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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