She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
