Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I currently don't understand fingers.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
