Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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