someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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