So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
