I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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