I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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