Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
