i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
