So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
