Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
