it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
