Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
