There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
