just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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