I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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