You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
