Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
