She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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