I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
