Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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