Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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