were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
