The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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