She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
